I got a new calling two months ago. Let me tell you, if I could apply for any calling in the Church, this would be it. In fact, I doubt my bishop has ever seen anyone so excited at the prospect of serving. I am the new ward Activities Chairperson! This is perfect because I LOVE TO PLAN PARTIES. As long as they’re not at my house, and I don’t have to scrub toilets ahead of time, I’m all over the event planning business.

So we’re having a spooktacular ward Halloween carnival bash on Friday at the church, complete with a bounce castle and slide, games, face paint, photo booth, food, and four different Spook alleys. We’ve even got human Whack a Mole (in this case, Smash a Pumpkin).

But I’ve been so busy working out the kinks that I haven’t given much thought to what I’m going to wear (this is shocking, since my outfit is usually paramount in my mind). But yesterday I was at Walmart stocking up on candy when I saw it: the perfect black wig.

And so, with no further adeau, I am please to announce that I am going to be none other than the one, the only, Tattoo Queen of the Universe, Kat Von D.

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Okay, so even with the best push up bra on the planet, my boobs have never looked even remotely like that, and let’s face it, the only way anyone can wear a white swimsuit is with some serious editing. (I’m convinced she doesn’t actually look like this in unairbrushed life, but I think this is a really cool picture.)

Now all I have to do is pencil in a few fake tattoo dots and some eyebrows (mine are transparent), strap myself into a girdle and some tight pants, throw on those $2 tattoo arms from Walmart, and I’m a very cheap, watered down version of Kat Von D.

And the best part? Jason has agreed to be her Motley Crew boyfriend, Nikki Sixx.

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I wonder how long the Bishopric will keep me around…

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